Change, maybe.

I've been sitting and thinking recently; that my health has to be my number one concern.

I need to fix my diet, properly. 

Stick to the basic, natural, products that God produced. 

You are what you eat, right?

I'm quitting the steroids. I don't think they've done me any favours to be honest - I think I just looked for a short cut on the road of hard work.

I've not been right recently - I've been bloated, I've been gassy and  I've been off my food - to the point where people have been worrying about me. It's not like me to be like this, and it's only started since the cycle.

There's been a lot on TV recently about obesity. There is a history of diabetes and heart disease in my family - and it's made me evaluate the health that I have.

People, when they are young, abuse themselves and believe they can get away with it; as being young is some sort of get out of jail free card.

Remember, when you are young, you are building the foundations that the house of old age is built upon. 

If you eat shit, it will catch up with you in time. That's something I truly believe in.

I'm seriously unfit - I know that.

My diet could be better.

My body fat percentage is probably fairly high, even for my size.

It's time to change this I think - I need to re-evaluate myself, as a person.

80:20 ratio - eat healthily 80% of the time, and allow 20% of time to 'treat' yourself. I feel the ratios have been reversed as of late.

It's time to switch them back and keep them firmly in place.

I've become lazy.

I don't like what I've become.

If I could move out - I would.

Set out things how I want it - not how others want it.

Only have 'good' food available. Nothing to tempt me.

But situations don't allow.

I don't know...

I wish my head was in a steady place.

Every time

Every time I get close to someone, I end up pushing them away. I can't help it.

As soon as I start to get close, I end up hitting an 'emotional wall'. I don't let them in any closer...

I wish I could stop myself from doing it.

Mountain

Sometimes I feel that certain areas of my life are like a journey up a mountain.

I start to feel that I am getting somewhere - making some progress - to only look up and see how much further I have to go.

I really was starting to think that I moved on... But today, found myself thinking way too much. Remembering things how they were; and what they could have been.

You know that feeling you get in your chest, when you feel like you could break down. I've had it all day. I've been too close to the edge today.

I hate it when I get like this. 

People tell you shit like 'move on', 'what's done is done', 'maybe it's for the best'... It's easy for them to say that, when they've not been there themselves.

I had my own little piece of Heaven, and traded it in because I thought the grass was greener.

Trying to remove the thoughts from your head is hard work. 

Trying to forget is harder.

And moving on is the hardest part.

I thought I was stronger than this... I thought I had the strength in me to climb this mountain; maybe I was wrong.

Reflection

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is realising, and accepting, the things that you did wrong; and what you could have done instead.

Today I caught myself reflecting, without planning to do so. Thinking about what's happening tonight, and how I should have done it longer ago, when I was with someone.

Little, simple things that I could have done to keep things alive - which I didn't do.

Looking back, I somewhat regret that - maybe things would have worked out better in the end.

Maybe this, maybe that. 

Maybe's not a great word sometimes.

What's done is done though, and I can't change that.

Sometimes I wish I did try harder, and sometimes I think maybe it may have not been worth the effort.

To quote a Darren Hayes song:

Oh how I adored you, but now I'm ignored by you. No evidence of romance.

Sometimes people just forget you, like nothing ever happend; like you weren't a part of their life.

It's a shame... Maybe it's not?

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Hope there's someone

Recen​tly there​'​s been a death​ in the famil​y - it sucks​,​ but it did get me think​ing.​

I do hope there​'​s '​somet​hing'​ after​ we die. To just end the life you live in such an abrup​t way would​ be shit,​ put blunt​ly.​

I hope that we move on to somew​here bette​r than the Earth​ we live on. To be reuni​ted with those​ that have alrea​dy left us, to be toget​her once again​.​

There​'​s obvio​usly more to life - and every​thing​ - than what we see befor​e us. You can'​t tell scien​tists​ that,​ I know,​ but they'​re fucki​ng idiot​s.​.​.​ In my opini​on.​

To close​ your mind to somet​hing that we are unsur​e of is stupi​dity at its best.​
To only think​ what we see is all that we have,​ is also equal​ly as stupi​d.​

I'm a firm belie​ver that there​ is so much more to every​thing​ that we what we alrea​dy know,​ and what we will ever know.​

I just hope,​ deep down,​ that one day we all come toget​her again​ in a place​ much bette​r than where​ we curre​ntly exist​.​

I under​stand​ why peopl​e have a relig​ion to hang on to - it's a crutc​h of suppo​rt,​ that littl​e light​ of hope.​ We all want that,​ secre​tly.​

I just hope I'll retur​n to see those​ faces​ that I miss too much.​

Change

So, last night eh... I was slightly nervous to say the least, about meeting someone new.

Straight way though, things went well.

Put her through her 3rd viewing of the film [sorry about that...]. Surprising good film though... Slightly similar to most JC films, and similar to Liar, Liar. There we are though; I didn't mind.

The night went on to sitting in my car for over an hour talking about everything and anything - also, we drew penises on the clear roof of my car. Maturity at its best!

It's nice to have this change back in my life - even just for that one night; I've felt great today.

Thank you... I know you're reading. :P

Losing Britain in 2009

Once, many moons ago, men were happy to lay down their lives to fight for something they thought was worthy; and that was pride. Pride of being English. Seems those days are long, long gone. 

Shamefully now 'pride' is a frowned upon word - if one is proud of being anything then it will always be frowned upon by someone. No longer can you be proud to be English; for the fear of stirring 'racial discriminatory'. 

I don't fully understand... All those people that died throughout wars, died pointlessly. They died for freedom and democracy - and now we have neither.

 

So, where's this all going eh?

Daily we are hearing about various British companies going under because of the current financial climate, and this beautiful recession we are in. It seems that day by day we are losing little pieces of England... Floating away to never be seen. 

Losing our identity. Losing everything that made this country.  

Big English names are in the shit; Woolworths, Jaguar, Land Rover, JCB... It's a shame. We're not even 6 months in to this recession, and still big companies are disappearing. So what hope is there for an entire year?  

We're gonna be in one hell of a state by 2010. Mass-unemployment, empty houses and even more struggling families. England used to be something, now we're slowly becoming nothing.  

Over and out.  

Russ.